The Simple Relationships Blog

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Expectations are Planned Resentments.

There’s an expression that says “Expectations are just planned resentments” and there is a lot of truth to that statement. An expectation is just our idea of the way that we think things are going to happen. When our expectation isn’t met, we feel like what we got less than we deserved, which leads to disappointment. Then hot on the heels of disappointment comes resentment, which is defined as “bitter indignation [anger or annoyance] at having been treated unfairly.” As you can see, consistent disappointment is a recipe for some serious resentment in your relationships.

High expectations, when clearly communicated, can inspire people to work towards a noble goal but they often don’t bode well for your relationships. If you expect to be invited to all your work friends’ weddings, if you expect your grandkids to call you regularly when you have made no efforts to call them, if you expect your spouse to have sex with you 3 times a day,...

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Are you a Hero or a Victim?

Every good story has conflict. There is always a challenge that seems difficult, maybe even impossible, but through overwhelming sacrifice and suffering and hard work, the hero gets stronger. The strength they gained, the friends they made, and the lessons they learned in the depths of their despair were exactly what they needed to overcome their previously unbeatable foe. Victory is achieved, peace returns, and the hero winds up stronger than ever.

This story arc is called “The Hero’s Journey.” It’s a story we all connect with because it’s a story we live out thousands of times in our own lives. Learning to ride your bike, finding your first job, navigating your first romantic relationship, each one involves venturing into the unknown and undergoing the growth pains necessary in order to reach the prize.

But there is another character in these stories as well. There is the poor family starving under the oppressive rule of an evil emperor. There is the...

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Weaknesses Are Just Overused Strengths.

People come in all shapes and sizes. Introvert, extrovert, agreeable, disagreeable, present and aloof, focused and reserved, optimistic, skeptical, the list goes on forever! If you’ve taken a personality test, DISC, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, whatever, they all demonstrate that while personalities come in all shapes and sizes, there is never one that is objectively good or objectively bad (at least outside of a specific context.).

 

Let’s think about this. If someone is “Hard-Headed” or “Stubborn,” where does that weakness come from? It’s probably rooted in confidence or loyalty, which are good things to have! Maybe someone is being stubborn because they want to protect and preserve the culture of their family. Then again maybe they just can’t take critical feedback, who knows. The point is, the qualities that can bother the people around us are usually good things that get taken a little too far.

 

For example, If someone...

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The Truth Will Set You Free!

It’s kind of funny how the phrase “my truth” gets thrown around a lot these days. What people really mean to say is “my belief,” “my perception,” or “my opinion.” If I have gotten a clean, crisp $5 bill under my pillow every time I lost a tooth, then the Tooth Fairy is real according to “my truth.” After all, it has happened every time without fail! Of course it must be true!

 

However, this famous scriptural phrase, spoken by Jesus Christ himself, does not say “YOUR truth will set you free.” He says “THE truth will set you free.” It’s not a subjective “well that’s the way I see it” kind of truth. It’s the down and dirty, brass tacks, universally and definitively factual kind of truth that can truly set you free.

 

Let’s go back to our friend who believes in the Tooth Fairy. He’s currently disappointed because he has been waking up on a pillow...

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Unforgiveness Keeps Them in Control.

While most of us don’t think of Justin Bieber as one of the great emotional philosophers of our time, he is absolutely correct about this. To have a “chip on your shoulder” usually refers to holding some kind of grudge.
 
Oddly enough, it’s our sense of justice or fairness that leads to us holding grudges. We feel a need to punish or judge or distance ourselves from our offenders until they pay for their crime. The problem is that, most of the time, the offender goes on living their life without a second thought while you are stuck there, fuming about this perceived injustice. You remain bitter, angry, and disconnected and your peace will only come at someone else’s expense.
 
This is what Bieber means when his sexy voice sings “unforgiveness keeps them in control.” The offender did the crime, they should do the time, but who in this scenario is suffering? Not the offender, because it turns out you have no power over...
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The Source of Emotional Pain: Part 3 | PAST RELATIONSHIPS

Whether it is loss of loved ones, divorce, abuse, heartbreak, or someone leaving your life, this pain is deep and persistent. The hardest part is often feeling like you never got answers or the closure that you needed, or if closure was even possible.

 

Many times, the pain can be scary to confront because to truly be free of the pain from past relationships, you are going to have to let the relationship go. No matter how good or bad the relationship was, we will hold on because we can't stand the thought of them actually being gone, even if it's just their memory.

 

Holding onto past relationships creates two major problems.

1) We may not be able to fully heal from any trauma that was experienced in that relationship.

2) Holding onto that person may be taking up the place of a new relationship that will help to fill the emotional hole that the person before left.

 

Another word for "letting go" is "grieving." This word is often understood but what it means is...

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The Source of Emotional Pain: Part 2 | MEMORIES

The next root cause of our emotional pain in relationships is the pain that comes from our memories. Lets talk about our memories...
 
Let's say I have a memory of dogs chasing me and trying to bite me as a child. Clearly an unpleasant memory and to any rational adult it makes sense that anytime I remember that incident I would experience some level of fear and anxiety. From the time of the incident into adulthood, we begin to wonder "why did this happen?" As I search for the answer to that question, and remember back, it would be easy to believe that maybe dogs hate me and I'm in danger every time they are around. From then on, every time I see a dog I'm emotionally reminded of the fear I experienced and the belief that dogs are unsafe and thus story and belief grows stronger. Are dogs objectively dangerous? No. Have I chosen a "truth" around my experience to mean that I am unsafe with dogs? Yes. Do I then begin to experience that chosen truth as my reality? Absolutely.
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The Source of Emotional Pain: Part 1 | OFFENSE

Why does it seems like emotional pain in our relationships is unavoidable? Is there a way to get to the bottom of it?


When your heart is hurting, there are 3 primary causes for the pain: Offense, Memories, and Past Relationships. Today, lets talk about offense.


When someone hurts you, purposely or accidentally, that is what is considered an "offense". Offense by definition is “A breach of a law or rule, an illegal act. Annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult” (note: perceived)

Offense happens to all of us daily (whether we like to admit it or not) and in correlation with the dictionary definition, we like to define it as when people break “our law”. Did you know that we each have an internal expectation of the way things "should happen" in our lives and relationships? When those expectations are not met, offense happens. This can be us OR other people not meeting our internal expectations and varies easily person to person. Some offenses...

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